An Open Letter to River Trashers

Dear River Trasher,

I know you dressed inappropriately for the weather, and you were drinking a few coronas, so the only reasonable thing to do was to cut your jeans off… But my question for you is- are you dead somewhere? Do I have to spend the rest of my fishing time trying to figure out if you made it back to shore alive?  You’re pant legs and corona bottles are still here- meaning you either passed out and drown, or you are the biggest idiot known to mankind and you figured your bottles and jean-leftovers were biodegradable.

You should know that there are cameras, disguised as birds, that are watching you… If you notice bad things starting to happen in your life, and you are thinking ‘why me’, it is because you are an idiot and decided to leave your garbage at the river…. The only way to remove the curse is to go pick up an entire beach, and cut your jeans off at home- no one wants to see cut off jeans on skinny, harry, legs anyways. 

To the ‘whip-hits’ juveniles that stole the one hundred cans of whipped cream from their mom’s house, and then decided to get high for five seconds and toss them on the ground: You suck. And that’s not meant to be literal. For one, that is a waste of some real good sugar cream. For two, I remember you from high school- things didn’t turn out so well for you. For three, did you know those bottles ended up in the river and the chemicals from the rust and plastic killed off a whole fish species and then the river flowed out to the ocean and killed off all of the whales in the ocean? And then the dead whales triggered a reaction that contaminated the entire world’s drinking water and the human population is on the brink of extinction because of you? They are tracking it all back to those cans you threw in the river, and your finger prints are on them. The FBI and CIA are calling your mom right this minute!!!!! 

To the Poet, you should stick to writing on paper because you obviously have failed with using a paint can. It’s one thing when you can read it and  you can be mad at the person. But this one just leaves me hanging- he’s addicted to something and I know its not tagging because it would look better than this. Looks like smurf throw up.

 Who takes a diaper off of their child and then strong arm throws it into the lake, where their child is swimming? Whaaaaat??! Looks like this Bass died from a plastic bag around its head. I think people are actually dumb enough to believe that the government sends in little workers at night to clean up the river and lakes….

Few, I was walking along the river and was so glad to see this because I forgot what year it was last year. Thanks, unoriginal tagger.

This is Betsy, I met her a couple of weeks ago. She actually does work for the government and is keeping track of those who throw their cigarette boxes, worm containers, and beer cans in the river. She is planning on haunting you in your dreams and shortening your life span by at least a year for every item you dont throw in the trash can (like a 3 year old knows how to do). 

Final words for the trashy trashers: I’m sure you were dropped as a child, or you are taking your inferiority complexes and dissociated psychological problems out on anything you can. I do feel bad for you, that you believe someone else is cleaning up after you, or that cathartically throwing garbage into the river is going to solve your anger problems that you have for your step-dad.

But if you look at this fish- you will see that the river is where they live. And this is where I bring my kids to play and enjoy nature- they have been cut by glass, picked up old condom wrappers, and at one point, I wouldn’t let them pay in the river because I was afraid they would step on a dead body or hooks left on shore. I hope you grow up soon- or that the tribe of dart shooting natives I hired to watch you from the trees can target you the moment you chuck a beer bottle, or diaper, into the waters we love. Shame, shame, shame on you!

TAKE CARE OF OUR RIVERS! 😉